Hiya. This blog is dedicated to Mr Random Desperado. Bless him. You know who you are. We saw you swiping right to EVERY SINGLE GIRL on Tinder in the pub on Saturday night. Maaaaaate. I get it was the night before Valentines Day, but come onnnnn. Self respect innit.

So, it seems appropriate to talk dating apps. I joined Tinder back in November, about a month after the split with the ex. Tinder seemed the obvious one to start with. Jesus. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack. All filler, no killer. Plus, the one time you do actually see a guy you like the look of, you’re in the middle of a massive swiping left spree and accidentally dismiss him. Then, he’s gone. Mr Fitty McVitie, vanished into cyber space, never to be seen again. Damn.

I must tell you though, as much as Tinder gets a bad rep for being little more than a ‘hook up’ site, a friend of mine is MARRYING her Tinder match! So you CAN get a bonafide, definitive happy ending….or you may end up with this guy….

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Happn’s a good ‘un. The layout is more user friendly than Tinder. There’s no risk of accidentally left swiping there either, as you have a whole screen of potential hotness in front of you. Whoever designed Happn clearly played A LOT of Guess Who as a kid. You might even find your own Bernard…..

Happn’s also based roughly on your location, so if you cross paths with someone, that’s how you see their profile. It’s a good way of finding the local talent where you are. At least that way if you have to do a walk of shame it’s only a short one and doesn’t involve a smirking cabbie….

I’ve had success through Happn. That’s all I’m saying on that. (blushes)

Bumble is a weird one. I’m not convinced all the men on there are actually real. They’re just so….perfect. We’re talking tall, handsome, decent careers, well educated, perfect. Box tickers. Bit too Stepford Husbands.

There’s also Once, which chooses a match for you every day. Problem is, they’re not very attractive ones. I’m not going to lie, there’s been occasions where I’ve felt indignantly displeased, and perhaps slightly offended at the quality of the so called ‘matches’ provided….

And now of course, there’s the Inner Circle. The more ‘exclusive’ one apparently, where not everyone gets in, and you have to be invited by a fellow singleton to even stand a chance. I got in, then had a string of messages from men in SPAIN because the app decided I was from BARCELONA. Yep. Never been. I’d like to though. Love a bit of Gaudi. Even once my location error was fixed, all I saw were….THE SAME OL’ FACES FROM HAPPN. Not so exclusive eh?

Unfortunately, with all dating apps, you get the WEIRDOS. They fall into 2 camps – sexual deviants or major keenos.

I matched with one guy who started the conversation with ‘Pork scratching?’

I should’ve known that was probably a blatant euphemism, but when Urban Dictionary didn’t tell me so, my reply was something along the lines of, ‘love them, especially with a bottle of red’. Within minutes, he then decided to divulge how much he loved ‘confident, dominant women who love to play games…..’. YOU WOT?

I played my own game and didn’t bother to reply. If you think I’m just going to turn up at your door and play the great fandango, you’re barking up the wrong tree mate. At least take me for a bottle of Red and an actual bag of Scratchings first. Jeez.

My most recent ‘moment’ involved a super keeno. Within seconds of our match he’d messaged me. I was out so thought I’d just reply when I got home.

A few minutes later there were 4 MESSAGES.

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My favourite was the last one – ‘YOU ARE RUBBISH’. Aww. How old are we, 12?

It’s a shame too, as he was really hot. But – if you’re going to be that bossy and impatient before I’ve even exchanged ONE WORD with you, it doesn’t bode well. I just hope he enjoyed that conversation….with himself.

The one thing going on these apps DOES do though, is give you a confidence boost AND a good laugh at the same time. We’d all be lying if we said we didn’t like getting attention and compliments, so if you’re feeling low after a break up, it’s a fun distraction to have! And of course, there ARE nice guys on them too, you just have to sort the wheat from the chaff! Plus – it depends on what you want too….

Always be careful though. I have to say that. ‘Cos I care, and because you should be. I’d love to know how you’ve got on with these apps – please do get in touch! Until next time….

 

L x

WK 4 PBU – ONLINE DATING. The Apps and downs…
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